The infrequent rantings of a silly old bastard.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Simple, concise, truthful 

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced... (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Musicians Are Expert Mindreaders 

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument,and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.

See you at the next gig ...

The Band

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Ending the "Blame Game" 

Stay tuned for heaps more of this folks. Over and over and over again we heard that Kevin "Earwax Muncher" Rudd was going to end the so called "blame game" and stand up to be counted for what goes on in this country. He was no longer going to hold to account blame incompetent useless bastards State Governments for slipping standards and basically being asleep at the wheel. The new ALP Government is delivering on that promise already. Instead of blaming ALP State Governments, we can now blame John Howard.

Julia "Orange Roughy" Gillard is leading the way in blaming John Howard and "a decade of neglect" on falling standards in our State run schools.

Remember that folks. When your kids can't add up to save themselves it's not because of the politicisation of our school system by rabidly socialist teachers unions, it's John Howards fault. When your kids can't spell "proply" it's not the fault of fat-arsed lazy teachers who can only manage to work 40 weeks per year, it's John Howards fault. When your kids think that movies like Rabbit Proof Fence are actually truthful documentaries it's not the fault of an ALP State Government who is totally inept, it's John Howards fault.

Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard & Co are showing what they really mean when they talk of ending the blame game. Pissweak, eh? Grow a spine Kev.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

New Aussie Emblem 

The Labor Party have announced they are going to change the emblem from an Emu and a Roo to a condom. It reflects their stance more accurately. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being fucked.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

11 Long Years Mr Howard 

We keep hearing, over and over ad nauseum, about how the Liberals have squandered the last 11 years. Well, if I was running the campaign this is one of the ads I'd run in response.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

About time 

I would have had this one out a while back but better late than never.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Quote of the day. 

“Perhaps you’ll know the answer when my cane rattles the last remaining tooth from your head.”

Check this out.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Kevin 07 - Oh No! 



Get 'em while they're hot folks.

Be the envy of all your friends. Show the world what you think of the arrogant little punce.

Hurry, hurry, hurry unlimited stocks!

I'll debate you anywhere any time! 

... except next Sunday in Canberra!

Glass jaw on legs, Kevin Rudd, has shown his true colours on the first day of the campaign. After calling for all sorts of debates, "anywhere, any time", Kevin Rudd has faltered when John Howard suggested a debate this Sunday. Apparently "anywhere, any time" doesn't actually mean anywhere, any time.

What a punce!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Wayne Swan - Spineless Jellyfish 

Today's Daily Telegraph hosted a wonderful little Q&A session with would-be treasurer Wayne "Spineless" Swan. It was full of searching a probing questions such as "what is your favourite colour?" and "do you prefer daisies to roses?" so I thought I'd liven it up a bit by asking actual questions. This is what I left:

Wayne, good to see you opened up with the whole “smear campaign” message. The spin doctors will be pleased you stayed on message. To the average punter though, this is simply called “scrutiny”. The ALP has promised a great deal and has yet completely failed to give any specifics on how they will be acheived. To believe you are above scrutiny and to label that scrutiny as a “smear campaign” shows the arrogance of your party.

You say that: “We already know Mr Costello doesn’t have the ticker to challenge Mr Howard for the Liberal leadership and face the Australian people at an election.” Can you please explain to me when it was exactly that Mr Rudd “had the ticker” to challenge for the leadership of the ALP? Was it that time he challenged Mr Beazley or was it that time he challenged Mr Crean. Wait, maybe it was that time he challenged crazy Mark Latham. No, none of those things happened. My recollection is that he was simply the last one standing when Beazley, Crean, Latham and again Beazley fell over. With that sort of record Mr Rudd(bury) should sign up for the Winter Olympics. To be fourth pick after Mark Latham and to somehow believe that he challenged for the leadership is simply hilarious.

On to more specific matters: “He has simply turned his back on mounting cost-of-living pressures weighing on families, particularly soaring grocery prices, petrol prices, childcare and, of course, mortgage payments, after nine straight interest rate rises on his watch.” Please tell me SPECIFICALLY how much cheaper groceries, petrol, childcare, mortgage payments will be with you as treasurer and in light of the recent ALP advertsing (on google, screenshot available if needed) that says that you will “force interest rates down”, what rate are you likely to “force them down” too? While we are at it, what will be the SPECIFIC cost of reducing emmisions by 60%. How much will Mr Garrett’s carbon taxes add to the cost of petrol and electricity?

Lastly, can you please explain to me SPECIFICALLY what an “Education Revolution” is? It sounds terrific but I can’t seem to find anyone who actually knows what it means and what it will cost.

Thanks in advance for your SPECIFIC answers.


I knew he didn't have the guts to commit himself on most of the questions but I thought he had more spine than this:

Don’t get your knickers in a twist mate.
I’ve got an idea: why not give your mates Peter and John a call, tell them to bring the election on, so we can stop losing $1 million a day of taxpayers’ money on political propaganda and let the Australian people decide??
Warm regards, Wayne


What a cock! And this peanut expects to be running our economy by December. Heaven help us!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The International Council of Manlaws 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

(Thanks to "The Rockgod" for sending that over)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Kevin Rudd(bury) - Gutless, Cowardly and funny as hell 

I had the pleasure of watching the Libs tear Kevin Rudd a new arsehole today in parliament. He has accused the Liberal "dirt unit" of "leaking" the fact that he's had some surgery about 15 years ago. Big deal! The peanut even admits to talking about his surgery years ago on TV. So much for a "leak" eh? He didn't actually have the guts to accuse anybody personally but got his hangers on to have a go on his behalf. What a gutless coward.

The funny part was when he tried to shout down Peter Costello about his leadership ambitions. "Mr Rudd hit back at the Treasurer with a scathing attack on Mr Costello's leadership aspirations, saying he had not been brave enough to challenge John Howard."[This is] arrogance unleashed by the Treasurer, the would-be prime minister of this country who has lacked courage year in year out, month in month out, to have the ticker to do anything about his heartfelt aspirations and ambition to eliminate this man," he said."

That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. In his own tiny mind he thinks he somehow stood up and challenged for the leadership of his own party. Bullshit! Talk about revising history.

In the traditions of our great Aussie Winter Olympians, he simply was the last man standing when all those in front of him fell over. All hail Kevin Ruddbury and his gold medal leadership challenge!

Let's see... first we had Bomber Beazley, then good old Simon Crean. When they fell over did Kev get the gig? No.. they gave the job to Crazy Mark Latham. When he self destructed did Kev get the gig? No... they gave Bomber another go. When they finally realised how useless Kim was, Kev got his chance. Like the last kid standing when picking sides for a school yard football match. There stood Kev, and when no-one else could be talked into it, he got the job. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, eh? If I was the guy who was last pick after Kim, Simon and Mad Mark I wouldn't be putting it in my resume.

It looks as if he is starting to fray at the edges already and the campaign proper has not even started. Loser.

The funniest part of all this is that Julia Gillard will stab him in the back the minute she gets a chance.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Kevin can't make a decision by himself. 

It's been long known that Kevin Rudd has lifted most of his policies from the Libs as it saves the whole "think for yourself" thing. Where he hasn't stolen policies, he has announced "reviews", or "committees" or "task forces" which can then make decisions for him at some mythical point in the future. When you go to the trouble of looking at big Kev's list of commitees as Nick Minchin has done, the list is simply staggering... and we haven't started the election campaign yet!

Check this out:

67 NEW LABOR BUREAUCRACIES

  1. Office of Children and Young People
  2. Office of Early Childhood Education
  3. New Minister for Youth
  4. National Commissioner for Children & Young People
  5. Australian Early Development Index (AEDI) Support Centre
  6. Office of Work & Family
  7. National Health and Hospitals Reform Commission
  8. Health and Hospitals Advisory Group (HHAG)
  9. Appointment of a Chief Nursing Officer
  10. Expert taskforce on preventative health
  11. National Commissioner for Elderly People
  12. Disability Advisory Council
  13. New Department – Innovation, Industry, Science & Research
  14. Fair Work Australia
  15. Infrastructure Australia
  16. Skills Australia
  17. Office of Strategic Interventions
  18. Network of urban development offices
  19. Regional Development Australia
  20. New Minister for Housing and Urban Development
  21. National Housing Advisory Committee
  22. National Housing Supply Council
  23. A national housing development application system
  24. Creation of a non-profit housing organisation
  25. Green Car Innovation Fund and Taskforce
  26. Enterprise Connect Centres
  27. Manufacturing Resource Centres
  28. Industry Innovation Councils
  29. Small Business Advisory Council
  30. Council of Business Advisers
  31. New Department of Homeland Security
  32. Coast Guard
  33. Office of National Security
  34. Australian Defence Force recruiting “supremo”
  35. A Nuclear Caucus ‘Cairns Group’ review to strengthen the Non-Proliferation Treaty
  36. Establishment of a Labour Desk at the Asian Development Bank
  37. Establishing formal WTO Working Group
  38. Re-establishing the Canberra Commission
  39. Establishing an African – Australia Council
  40. Regional Disaster Management Coordination Authority/Regional Disaster Management Centre
  41. Higher Education Quality Agency
  42. National Curriculum Board
  43. A Superannuation Clearing House
  44. A statutorily independent government actuary
  45. A new corporate ‘super cop’
  46. A Petrol Commissioner
  47. Office of Climate Change
  48. Eminent Roundtable forums on business sustainability
  49. National Sustainability Commissioner
  50. National Sustainability Council
  51. Agriculture and Climate Change implementation panel
  52. A Pacific Climate Change Centre
  53. New Independent Heritage listing body
  54. New national representative body for Indigenous Australians (ATSIC)
  55. A ‘War Cabinet’ to tackle child abuse in Indigenous Communities
  56. Refugee Determination Tribunal
  57. Job Protection Authorities
  58. Registered Employment Authorities
  59. Access to Justice government advisory board
  60. National law regulation body
  61. National council for Local Government
  62. Advisory group on Federal State relations
  63. Independent panel to appoint the ABC’s Board
  64. Australian TCF Industry Council
  65. Review Panel for TCF tariffs
  66. Forest and Forest Products Industry Skills Council
  67. Wood and Paper Innovation Council

    96 LABOR REVIEWS

  1. Review of Federal State Relations
  2. Audit of Government services in regional Australia
  3. Review of CDEP
  4. Review of Job Capacity Assessments
  5. Review of Disability Employment Network (capped and uncapped streams)
  6. Evaluate disability employment strategies
  7. Review of Job Network and suite of employment programmes
  8. Review of government training for mature workers
  9. Garnaut Climate Change Review
  10. Review of national heritage protection
  11. Review of planning, strike capability and jet fighter capability
  12. Strategic reviews of ADF capability
  13. Review of Defence bases
  14. Review of ADF pay and conditions
  15. Review of ADF mental health care
  16. Review of ADF common induction training
  17. Review of Defence Capability Plan
  18. Review of Defence Export Facilitation Programme
  19. Review of Defence financial management
  20. Review of surplus Defence land
  21. Review of Defence outsourcing
  22. Review of veterans entitlements
  23. Review of bursaries
  24. Review of ‘phasing out’ of phosphate mining on Christmas Island
  25. Productivity Commission review to estimate costs/benefits of harmonising key regulations cross State/Territories
  26. Review of government innovation and industry assistance programs
  27. Reviews of Australian design rules for vehicle safety
  28. Review building code for energy efficiency
  29. Review of business regulation measures
  30. Review of science and quarantine systems
  31. Review existing strategic action plans for a range of industries
  32. Review of textile, clothing and footwear (TCF) tariff levels
  33. Review of wood and paper industry
  34. Review of tourism jobs training
  35. Audit of Government procurement
  36. Public asset review
  37. National Infrastructure Audit
  38. Comprehensive investigation of contemporary travel demand management initiatives
  39. Review of Roads to Recovery
  40. Review Civil Aviation Safety Authority regulations and reforms
  41. Review of coastal shipping policy
  42. Review of Australian Maritime College
  43. Review of policy governing superannuation investments
  44. Review of regulations covering private equity investments
  45. Review of Corporations Act
  46. Review of criminal and civil laws relating to fraud
  47. Review of corporate managers training
  48. Review of ASIC powers
  49. Audit of consumer protection legislation
  50. A national grocery pricing inquiry (conducted by the ACCC)
  51. Review of ABC and SBS boards
  52. Review of regulatory regime for complementary medicines
  53. Review of Medicare schedule for midwives
  54. Review of Medicare (psychiatric consultations)
  55. Review of medical research ethics guidelines
  56. Review of Child Support
  57. Senate Inquiry into the cost of living pressures for senior Australians
  58. Review of Commonwealth Rent Assistance
  59. Review of Commonwealth Rent Assistance to Youth Allowance Recipients
  60. Review of youth rights
  61. Review of impact of poker machines
  62. Review of Government support for parents with new children
  63. Public inquiry into the protection of human rights in Australia
  64. Review of genocide investigatory resources
  65. Review of legal fees
  66. Review of court fees
  67. Review of juvenile sentencing practices
  68. Review of federal court system
  69. Review of whistleblower laws
  70. Scoping Study/ Review of Australian Federal Police (AFP) numbers
  71. Review of anti-terrorism laws
  72. Review of Australian Crime Commission (ACC)
  73. Examination of shared equity models that involve the Federal government
  74. Inclusive trade policies
  75. Review of all existing government consultative mechanisms
  76. Review of composition of governmental delegations to World Trade Organisation (WTO) ministerial meetings
  77. Review of Export Market Development Grants Scheme
  78. Review of access to international markets for agricultural products
  79. Review of relationship with New Zealand
  80. Review of AusAID
  81. Review of diplomatic services
  82. Review of diplomatic programmes
  83. Review of training visas
  84. Review of asylum seekers appeals mechanism
  85. Review of Settlement Services
  86. Review of arts fellowships and grants
  87. Review of artist’s incomes
  88. Review of Australia Business Arts Foundation (AbaF)
  89. Review of social security laws with respect to the arts
  90. Review of Work for the Dole for artists
  91. Review of arts in regional and remote areas
  92. Review of ‘Digital Industry’
  93. Review of free trade agreements
  94. Review of contemporary music industry
  95. Review of private investment in music
  96. Review of artists copyright

God help us if this peanut ever gets in!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Kevin sinks the devon in 07 

Cunning linguist, Mr Kevin (the boy who lived in a car) Rudd showed off his verbal skills at the recent APEC meeting.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Is "audient" the singular of audience? 

Just forget the racist message of Reverend Bob "Droopy Dawg" Brown for a moment and check out the "crowd". There are more people wandering about backstage than there are in the audience. This is a classic clip that demonstrates the real influence that Bobby and his doomsday cult have.


Frankly, I think this idiot should have his own nightly TV show so the world can see what a genuine wingnut he is.
(Via Andrew Bolt)

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